notapancake | Folkmore IC contact

why are you both so bad at this

Well there's the poor socialization in our youth, and the autism. Definitely the autism.

[yeah about that.]

the autism you never told me about

I didn't? I'm pretty sure I did... Or someone else did?

no one! no one did! not a single person in 15 years
donnie told me and i didnt even know what it WAS

Oh.

[Cause what can he say? "Sorry the apocalypse kind of put a damper on that"?]

["Oh", he says. Oh! Casey wants to throw himself out a window.]

im not mad for the record
not like you HAD to tell me or anything
just
idk
it feels important?
but i know lots of important things were shelved in our world
im sorry

[???]

What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong.

[both of them... seriously...

(it was at that moment Casey realized he truly does apologize too much)]

i know i didn't
im saying it sucks you couldnt be yourself

[Ouuugh boy, how to explain this? Without Casey thinking it's his fault?]

A lot of us had to change because of the war, Junior. Some things just aren't viable in that kind of world.

[One can't be all... Donnie about stuff when there are more important things to worry about.]

i get that. i mean i see it every day now
all the stuff we have here that id never seen before, everything you guys talked about missing
it was the life we lived & nothing can change that but we can still say it sucked now u know?

well i know now and everything is viable bc theres no war anymore. what should i know? what would u have told me

[Hrm, hrm, hrm. Well...]

What did Donatello tell you? I'd hate to repeat things you have been told by him.

[Casey sends a cropped screenshot of the explanation he was given at the time:]

"Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition. It affects the way someone interacts and communicates socially. ...there's a lot more to it, but that's the characteristic most applicable to the topic at hand."

thats what he said
& that he has trouble with tones and social cues
and probably low empathy
that its like having different operating systems
& isnt a thing that can be cured or would go away over time

i didnt get why we never had the same problems as he and i
is it bc you cared about me and he didnt? and i just dont remember when we couldnt get along bc i was too young?

[Oh that is... Kind of how he would explain it, good job younger self.]

He's got it all correct, for someone who hasn't had a proper evaluation.

[Not going to explain that he has been officially looked at because of someone in the rebellion took note and pulled him aside in an attempt to help him adapt better to everything.]

No it's not about caring or not caring about someone? At least not how I see it, I just... Needed to be different around you.

[How to explain this? Urgh.]

There's this thing that people like myself can do, I never did this before since I only had to interact with my family. I saw no need to do it, but it's called "masking". It's basically like, wearing a mask? Or presenting yourself in a way that makes social interactions easier?

... I guess one could say I did start doing it more often after you were put in my care more often.

[....

oh.

There's a long pause on Casey's end; excuse him while he goes through something of a crisis, putting his entire life and a lot of their past interactions under a microscope of retroactive horror. He needed to be different with Casey? It started after he had to care for the child he used to be? Never had to do it before because he was with family, and then- and then-

He hunches over his relic, hands clasped over his mouth as he tries to breathe through it. His head's spinning.

It's not about me.
It's my fault?
It's not about me.
He's not so different, he's just- for my sake-
It's not about me.
It's because of me

He feels sick.]

are you still doing it? the masking?

[The pause between replies does make him worry, and more so when Casey asks that.]

Why does it matter if I am or not?

[Not going to tell Casey that Leo told him he could relax, and that maybe how he's been acting with Donatello is him trying to stop doing it? No way is he going to say "I don't know how to stop" to Casey of all people.]

it matters to me
if you aren't able to be yourself because of [ me

....it's not about him] everything that happened years ago

[Mrgh.]

It's not anything you need to worry about, okay? Anything to do with it is on myself.

im already worrying
and not answering is basically answering

Look.

Leo told me I could relax, so I've been... Trying?

trying to stop masking?

[He doesn't get how it works, but... maybe it becomes a subconscious habit that can't be helped, eventually? That's...]

Something like that, yeah.

[UGH he didn't want to even imply it, but here we are.]

ok

[Another pause, shorter this time. So sensei knew, too. Sensei was okay with it? Sensei never told him, either...]

can you try with me too?

[There's a pause on his end now, because well... He doesn't know if he can, Casey is like. He needs to be a certain way around Casey, that's just how things are.

Also boy, it would probably bother Casey to know that, probably, all the turtles knew about it. Not just sensei.]

I'll do my best, okay?

[Yeah, he's thinking now that it's very likely all the adults knew, and it's just him left in the dark. Because it's his fault. No one would want to tell a child that his beloved uncle only acts the way he does - not himself - out of necessity, for the child's sake.

He needs to do more. He needs to be better than this.]

that's all i can ask for
i want you to be able to relax, too
be yourself

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